Welcome to Our Boutique, Where Nothing Is Called by Its Real Name
Welcome to our boutique! As the newest member of our “barter battalion,” which is what we call our staff, you and I have a few things to review.
Over here is our candle, or “olfactory tickler,” display. All of our olfactory ticklers stay lit during store hours, giving our customers a unique and nauseating olfactory experience! Don’t worry; the migraine brought on by the lavender-spruce-cinnamon-lemon-sandalwood-ocean-scented air usually fades to a dull ache by your third or fourth shift.
We also have a small selection of “ear milk,” which is what we call music, which we sell on disks of iridescence. We play all sorts of ear milk in the boutique, but primarily ear milk produced by the Dairy Queen, which is what we call Enya.
Next to the ear-milk display, we have our selection of “talon paint,” which is what we call nail polish. The talon paint sits next to the jewelry display, which we’d prefer you refer to as the “shiny-shiny display.” Our shiny-shiny includes “wrist necklaces” (bracelets), “collar earrings” (necklaces), “ear rings” (earrings), and “finger bracelets” (rings). All of our shiny-shiny will turn your skin the most magnificent shade of turquoise and is nonreturnable.
Finally, we have our curated selection of clothing, or “nudity shields.” We mostly sell sweaters, or “yarn orgies,” and jeans, or “denim pants.” Our Master of Naming, or Jared, was sick on the day we came up with denim pants. If you think of something better, please feel free to, like, throw it out there.
Oh, also, our customers—who will henceforth be referred to as “possible barterers”—do not “buy” our “goods” but rather “cash-barter” our “hand-picked wares.” They also have the option to credit- or debit-barter, if they are bartering with Visa- or MasterCard-style “bottomless money rectangles,” which is what we call credit cards. No, we do not have an abbreviation, you must refer to them as bottomless money rectangles every time a potential barterer uses a bottomless money rectangle. Our bottomless-money-rectangle reader is a little finicky, so you may have to wiggle the potential barterer’s bottomless money rectangle when you use the bottomless-money-rectangle reader. Whew, try saying that three times fast! No, seriously, try. You’ll be doing it a lot, so you’d better get used to it.
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That about wraps up our boutique tour. We pay one jar of talon paint per hour, or two yarn orgies per shift. Breaks, or “labor vacations,” are eleven minutes long, which is the optimal amount of time to stand in the labor-vacation room, open the window, and scream into the abyss. Please arrive early tomorrow before your first shift, as we’ll need to give you at least one facial piercing before you interact with potential barterers. Welcome to the barter battalion, Hailey, or “Huckleberry”!