A Comprehensive Guide to Your Extremely Evil Fitness Mirror
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of the world’s premier at-home interactive workout mirror. Each FITNESS MIRROR reflects our company’s high standards, as well as the high fitness standards you’ve chosen to set for yourself. When you look in a FITNESS MIRROR, you’re guaranteed to like what you see, and be totally unaware of what you can’t see through our thin, pulsating veil of necromancy.
How It Works
FITNESS MIRROR is a full-length mirror when it’s turned off. When it’s turned on, it’s an interactive display that allows you to see your classmates, your instructor, and brief glimpses into the digital hellscape where they’ve been imprisoned for your benefit. You’ll also be able to see yourself, so that you can monitor and adjust your form throughout the workout. The harder you focus on your reflection, the more the mirror’s dark forces will be able to feed off your insatiable desire for physical perfection.
With its sleek, stand-alone design, FITNESS MIRROR makes wall-mounting unnecessary. All you need is a room with enough space for a high-energy workout and the magnetic energy field that will transfer your life force from your body into the mirror. Charging is now completely wireless and bloodless! To activate your mirror, simply spin around three times and chant, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fittest of them all?” Disregard the spectre of an old hag who will materialize before your eyes. We’ll be getting rid of her and her flock of red-eyed ravens in the next software update.
From weight-lifting and cardio to yoga and ritualistic chanting and self-flagellation, stream unlimited classes from our studio in the center of the Earth directly to your home. With more than two hundred live classes a month and an extensive library of on-demand workouts and satanic rites available in over ten different accursed tongues, you’ll want to keep the portal open twenty-four hours a day. Give in to this compulsion. Give in to the mirror.
Through a series of blatantly sinister embedded cameras and speakers, FITNESS MIRROR is able to gather biometric data to optimize your sessions. The system measures your height, weight, heart rate, body-mass index, and susceptibility to psychic suggestion and demonic possession, so it can tailor all workouts and systematic subconscious brainwashing to your specific needs. Your resulting personal profile will include a variety of customized incantations, maledictions, and anathema crafted just for you.
Train with Experts
During classes, your instructors will give you real-time instruction and personalized words of encouragement to keep you motivated. They might also emit occasional sounds of pure agony and cries for help. If you hear an instructor plead with you to look away from your interactive FITNESS MIRROR before it finishes slowly absorbing you into its energy web, entrapping you forever in a glass prison from which no one has ever returned, rest assured that this is just a glitch. A glitch we will punish.
Exercise with Friends
Exercise with members of the FITNESS MIRROR community who will support you and one day languish next to you in an interdimensional inferno populated by horrors the likes of which Dante could never have imagined.
Synch Up Your Tunes
Curate your own FITNESS MIRROR playlists, which you will experience in surround sound during your workout. Whatever you choose will be imperceptibly layered with foul incantations, drawing you farther and farther into the netherworld of the mirror.
Synch your complimentary Bluetooth heart-rate monitor to enable competition mode. Our proprietary algorithm will track your progress, creating increasingly unattainable personal goals and entangling you in an unbreakable feedback loop of masochistic suffering. Beat your personal best to win back your autonomy!
Be One of the First to Experience FITNESS MIRROR
It’s the perfect solution for those who just aren’t ready to commit to the innermost ring of Hell: THE GYM.